Ahh, a subject I’ve never really delved into here. Well, it can be said that how much love you see in the world is how much you love yourself. Last year, for the first time, I seriously tried to pursue a few romantic relationships. They didn’t work out. The first guy was a jerk. The second guy avoided me and the third guy was about to leave for college.
This school year, I went through a phase where had 2 week crushes one after another. And if anything did start happening, I immediately made some sort of excuse as to why I didn’t like them anymore and moved on.
Now I know why none of my relationships worked out. Because I felt, deep down inside, that I wasn’t worthy of love. There’s no way someone would be interested in me, right? This manifested into bad attempts at romantic relationships. There was always a part of me that didn’t fully trust or allow somebody into my life. I EFT tapped on it and a boatload of heavy emotional fears popped up into my consciousness.
Brad Yate’s videos have been a huge help to me. They helped me discover many blocks to self love that I hadn’t even known about. If you have any problems romantic, or otherwise, I definitely recommend that you check him out.
Has been fun so far.
Recently, I deleted my tumblr. It’s this semi-exclusive social network people extensively use at my school. Lots of angst, and lots of funny GIFs. But, I decided I didn’t exactly like reading everyone’s secrets online. It wasn’t worth the stress the network imparted. I didn’t like posting either… I’d rather tell friends my worldview than have them read about it.
Friends + Art
A few of my friends came over during the beginning of the summer. We threw a makeshift wedding at my neighbor’s dock and made a veil out of brown packaging. I caught the bouquet y’all! So I’ll be the next to get married out of the group. Considering our age and who was there, it could be in a long, considerable length of years.
I also went back to my school to paint an art mural. The last art mural was painted back in the 1980s so I’m really glad I got the chance the paint the next one. It turned out beautifully. The wall and I spent many, many dedicated hours side by side this school year. It’s miraculous we finished the whole thing. I’ll update with a picture when I get a hold of one.
Fourth of July consisted of a neighborhood barbecure, and a firework spark attacking my brother’s arm (it actually wasn’t his fault). We’ve been using out trusty aloe vera plant to help heal his burn and it’s been working quite well.
Asian people have also come over. Kids somehow related to a branch of my family, whether it be children of a long lost co-worker or my uncle’s friends. After living with 600 teenagers 24/7 (with only once a month breaks at most), I’ve become much more comfortable being around people in general. Whooo, social skills. Raise the roof.
Next week I’m going on College Tours. DUN DUN DUNNN. I’m mostly looking at a few Ivys and small liberal arts colleges up north. My thoughts on college? If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you can probably tell that I’m not a huge proponent of standard public education to say the least. Yes, I’ll be applying to a few colleges. Will I actually attend any of said colleges? Errr, I’m not sure. I plan on taking a gap year, much to my parent’s dismay. People tell me to “do something productive do something constructive” during the gap year. While I might do something “constructive,” I don’t think it is necessary. I’ve been going to school for 13 freakin years. If I want to take a year off to goof around, think about life, and have some serious fun while I’m young, I don’t think that should be controversial or unacceptable. *le sigh*. Anyways, I’m still working out some feelings, releasing on different branches of the topic. I don’t have any concrete plans so to what I’ll do, but I’m going to take things as they come. Meaning, doing what feels best for me as I arrive, moment by moment.
For radicalturtle, sometimes I’ll sit down to write only to stop halfway… because something feels stilted, blocked, or off. Despite the low number of posts in recent months on radicalturtle, I feel as if I’ve grown monumentally in the past year. A few weeks ago, I read “Busting Loose From the Business Game,” and it was a huge game changer for me. It’s not only about Busting Loose from the business game, but the emotions game, the health game, etc. I’m definitely planning on applying “the process” to my schoolwork. It not only gets two thumbs up from me, but also two buns up (as in hair).
School was… that’s another post. Nothing is inherently good or bad, but Smath definitely gets caught in this eclectic ball of love and hatred, raging emotions and sleep deprivation for me. Next school year, I’m planning on taking a different approach to my studies and general life there. Too much stress and intensity associated with the past school year. Intensity is welcome… just not again in the way it panned out.
I’ve been blogging for what? About 2 years. Since the end of freshman year.
I’ve just changed so much as a person, from inside out. I feel more loving, peaceful, happy. I’ve grown a couple of inches, and my cheeks, though still round, are starting to puncture and mature. I’m strangely becoming less and less attached to results and whatever happens in my outer-world. I’m still in a place of growth and expansion and I can feel myself letting go more and more everyday. Sinking more deeply into Permeating Peace and True Joy.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot to mention…. I’m going to Not Back to School Camp! It’s run and hosted my Grace Lledyln, author of “The Teenage Liberation Handbook!” I’m excited for the new type of people I’ll be meeting, and seeing what I can learn from them. Not to mention having a kick ass time! It’s basically a summer camp based on teenage anarchy. Instead of going to China, I’ve decided to go to Oregon.
I do learn much from my peers at Smath… they’re brilliant, talented and amazing. We can have the best conversations. But truthfully, if you’re at Smath you engage in BS. Whether it’s writing papers with flowery language and opinions you don’t actually believe, or smiling to the system and then turning around to break their rules (There are so many rules it’s hard not to break them… unless you want to live a soulless life in your room).
I’m looking forward to spending a week with radically honest people who live their ideology even if it’s not popular among most circles. Smath tries to portray itself as a perfect haven for the most intelligent students in the state. It gets so much publicity, hype and people fawning over the school. But they do not know how downright miserable many of it’s top students feel, the fact that people sneak onto roofs and into opposite sex dorms, or the overbearing authority of the school administration.
People who critically think can see how flawed the traditional systems are. Many go along with it, convincing themselves higher education is the only route. Unschoolers see beyond it, and decide to go a different path.
And the tears pour down harder.
In that moment you breathe a deep sigh of relief.
Because somewhere, deep down inside, you didn’t believe it.
Releasing has only gotten easier and easier. It’s like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the easier it is to use. Throughout the day I notice little things. Maybe I’m disapproving of what someone is saying, maybe I want to change something that I can’t. I’ll ask myself any 4 questions that apply from the Sedona Method/Release Technique.
1. Could I let go of disapproving of myself?
2. Could I let go of wanting control?
3. Could I let go of wanting acceptance?
4. Could I let go of wanting security?
I get the feeling our external world is only a projection of our internal world. I’ve released on situations before only to have them completely disappear from my life.
When releasing it helps to let go of the notions of right/wrong and good/bad. Everything is just energy, just let it flow through your body. The questions are only there for probing, to bring to the surface whatever my emotions are. They’re there to remind me I have a choice, I can let go of it.
Confession: I’ve always wanted to be a cool kid — someone people respect and admire.
Take the situation and translate it through the sense of wanting control, acceptance, or security. It may be several. In this case, it was wanting acceptance. When there is a want, I can feel a pang in my body — a lacking feeling. Let go of the lack — just let go of it.
In a year’s time I’ve made a lot of progress — my confidence has boosted, money just flows to me out of nowhere, and I feel more peaceful within myself. Interacting with others is less strenuous. My ‘goal’ – to feel joy and happiness all of the time. To accept everyone as is because in the end, there is no real barrier between us. If I’m judging someone I’m really just judging a part of myself. Sometimes I still want to hate, to bear a grudge. In the end though, it’s drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Releasing and going through all of this alone is sometimes a lonely thing. The experiences are yours alone and not many others can relate. So, it’s very nice to find people online who do the same thing and have similar experiences. I can see “ah, so that’s happened to them too!” Their real life gains are also to be commended — what? progress? Awesome, I see what I could do.
We’re bombarded by the media of what the concepts of love and happiness are. The kind of love they promote is a selfish love, on that’s really rooted in wanting. Imagine how happy people would be if they could just love everyone. If we could just let go of being so perturbed by outside things. We’d all be happy, healthy, and wealthy.
If there is anything all encompassing, it’s love.
I don’t think anything good comes out of resisting emotions. They’ll retreat and stay in your body until a trigger comes and it’s time to bob back up. Law-of-attraction-wise, many misunderstand and exert much effort to control their thoughts. The law of attraction tunes into our overall frequency, so it’s good not to dwell on negative stuff. Other than that, I haven’t seen many benefits from pushing down how we really feel.
We tend to push problems away, drown them out with noise — television, food, alcohol, rubber duckies, anything really. What if we just welcome them instead? What if we just welcome our problems? I allow my feelings to come and just be there. They’ll usually dissipate. If not, send it love and accept it for what it is. Sounds paradoxical doesn’t it? Why would I love a problem? Has pushing it away and sending it negativity solved anything? How about trying something new? When we are able to love and accept whatever it is, we are making peace with ourselves.
I’ve had issues with racism and bullying in my small little town in the south. When I look back… I can see how much of my thinking caused this trauma.
I had deeply ingrained beliefs on how my ethnicity somehow made me less of a person… The start of the terror came just before starting highschool in driver’s ed class. Two boys taunted me saying “chicken wing!” I know one of them was just doing it to fit in with his friend and I saw how he genuinely felt bad afterwards…
Note: I am not saying bullied people are at fault. I know people all up into the Law of Attraction may say this for illnesses, rape, etc. but the blame game could just end up in depression. We are all on unique and magical journeys towards our own realizations and experiences.
Much of my internal conflict manifested outwards and as people bullied me more, the worse it got. Thankfully, I now feel much more at peace with myself. I thought it was over it at the beginning of 10th grade but if I had really looked at the emotional sign posts then I would’ve realize that, oh no, it wasn’t (delusionnns). A boy in my music theory class played an oriental tune on the keyboard everyday as I entered the classroom *laughs*. I felt I was being singled out and I resisted the ‘negative’ emotions arising within me. Eventually I had a breakdown after someone bowed to me, cracking an Asian joke.
Like a BREAKDOWN of tears streaming down my face with 4 boys watching me, not knowing what to do or say. They listened to my story and consoled me. The boy who bowed didn’t actually mean anything by it but felt terrible. They all hugged me afterwards. Tangent: one of the boys later fell in love with me later that semester hohohoho….
Today, i can honestly say that I am comfortable and 95.3% (I’m a mathematical genius) healed from the traumatic events. My friends and math teacher frequently crack jokes about my asianess as do I. This morning Mrs. K did so. I began resisting what I felt when she did. I gulped it down but resisting feelings is like trying to keep ice from bobbing up in water. I kept trying to rationalize with myself, “She was just joking and I know that, I needn’t feel bad about it….” Wait a second. What am I scared of? What is the worst that could possibly happen from feeling my emotions? I’ll put out a “negative vibration”? Whatevs, I can deal with whatever comes my way. So I just felt the feeling. It lasted 5 or so seconds and I wouldn’t say it was even “bad”. Then, it was over. Bam shabam, done. Embracing all kinds of emotions such as sadness and anger are just as important as embracing happiness. Resistance feels worse than the emotions themselves.
It’s so amazing to look at “bad” experiences as catalysts and opportunities for growth. I may wish “gosh, they shouldn’t have done/said that” but who am I to dictate what they should/shouldn’t do? We can just see it for what it really is. Pure, undiluted, and simple.
Feel negative about something in your life?
Tap-a-long to this EFT video by David Childerley, an EFT video coach. I could just feel an amazing energy radiating from him through my computer screen. Seriously, watch the video and you’ll feel what I’m talking about.
Thinking back to bullying, my number was a five. After one session it was reduced to a two, then a one, and then a zero, yay! I just kept thinking about all of the experiences I went through and all of the people who said things. Seeing their faces and imagining myself there again.
Just relax and listen.
I did an experiment way back when with David’s videos. I actually didn’t fulfill the terms of the experiment. I tapped a whole lot but not everyday, just thought I’d get that out.
So I’m playing hooky from school once again and made an appointment to go to the doctor today when my teacher threatened to call my dad herself. Having…. let’s call her Samantha. Having Samantha has helped my reevaluate my life and the kind of feelings and thoughts I’ve been thinking lately. Like writing a civics paper right before/during class in ten minutes without having my teacher notice. I could literally feel the adrenaline pumping through my body going into survival mode. Not the healthiest thing. So, looking at Samantha as a blessing rather than a curse is what I’m going to do. It’s a matter of perspective.
Today, I’d like to talk about what blogging has done for me once again. More than just a place to document my growth as a person, radicalturtle has also been a catalyst for more growth. Having people read what I write and care about me helps a lot. Like it would matter if I hit a tree while skiing or fell off the side of the earth. 15 was a time of huge emotional growth and maturity as a person. I cured my aversions to my race but what I didn’t completely get rid of was my emotional wounds from being bullied. So I had a good old crying fest and let it go.
me – I was bullied but that was a while ago
BD – when?
me – 9th grade
BD – what grade are you in now?
me – 10th
BD – ….. uh Leslie, that wasn’t too long ago. You should of told me when you were being bullied. I would’ve gone down there and beat them up.
Talking to my cousin, BD, always cheers me up. He doesn’t seem to take anything seriously and is one of the most mellow, honest, and funniest guys I’ve ever met.
The next step? Revealing my blog to friends/family. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to let them read the archives of my most personal and private thoughts? I dunno man, I dunno. One friend discovered my site by looking at the browser’s history after I showed her the piece I wrote about MacDaddy. I quickly shut down Internet Explorer and I’m pretty sure she hasn’t typed in my site’s address into any browser unless she wants to collide with my wrath.
I used to bury everything into myself and close off any possible vulnerability.
Blogging at 14 helped me change that all. Slowly, I wrote down my thoughts online anonymously for anonymous people to read. I was scared. Scared all of my thoughts would reveal my unworthiness. But then no one said anything. I gradually let the contents of my heart open up and remain online. If I recall to my first ever blog entry, all I did was explain that the following lines were copied out of an email to a friend because I was introverted and unsure of what to say. Even that freaked me out.
A deep rooted fear has been “I’ll say something ‘wrong’ and everyone will desert me.” But… no, people keep coming back and reading. People that I look up to online read my blog (!) whut whut? It’s too awesome. If I compare blogging at 14 to blogging now it’s like comparing a kitten to a lion. I sound like such a child of the internet. Oh, internet, how I love you so.
I just don’t even know how to accurately describe how it was vs. how it is. It’s amazing. Thank you everyone.
For fun, let’s revisit the first entry on radicalturtle ever which was heavily edited several months after blogging. My first ever retweet was by Joshua Becker on 7 Un-minimalist Lessons Learned from Life. I jumped up and down in happiness and euphoria. Also, thank you Kevin Olega and daphnepurpus for the encouragement to blog.
The reason you’re “here”
is not to be good, to be better, to be perfect,
to get “stuff” done, to saave the world, to save somebody, or to be
anything… other than yourself.
That’s all you have to work on. That’s all you
can do. But by doing it… all those other things
will happen anyway.
Dear 13 inch MacBook Pro,
The first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew you were the one. That aluminum unibody enclosure, your sleek and slim intersurface, and ooh! the apple logo permanently etched into your back. A thing of beauty. We were meant to be. It was fate the law of attraction that brought us together. You surprised me. That introduction? The flight through the space time continuum where you said hi to me in like every language. Totally unexpected.
Our first moments…. they were awkward. I’m not going to lie. You’re so much smaller (I mean REALLY. My friend’s is 21 freaking inches! So much smaller)… but I’ve become accustomed to it. I think it’s cute. The command for shortcuts… it’s placed so differently. For a couple of moments there, I’l have to admit, I missed Windows. Vista. Oh please! Don’t crash on me. Your so fast though, lightening fast. I suppose that makes up for the size issue. I love the way your keys light up when I turn you on. During the honeymoon period of our relationship, I always washed my hands before using you. Embarrassing, I know.
Even now, I’m still getting to know you. I don’t know everything about you. You don’t know everything about ME. Sometimes I’ll try to close an application but it still stays up. I know it’s me… I just don’t know which keys to press. But why don’t you have an X button at the top right hand corner of your applications?!
You and Windows are different. Different both inside and out. It’s just that windows was my first, you know. We were young. I was naive. We met during the… 6th grade I think? He was… how should I say it? Heavier. Chunkier. Clunkier. But I still used him will all of my heart. We went through so much together. He taught me so many things. And I programmed him into my comfortable ways. There’s no doubt you’re slimmer, shiner, and richer, though ok? Want a cookie? The virtual kind? Oh mac, I can tell this is only the start of a new chapter in both of our lives.
Do you know what else I’ve realized while I’ve spent time with you? You’re not going to make me happy. I repeat, you’re not going to make me happy.
Please, please! Don’t be offended. No boyfriend/computer/[insert sexual innuendo] is ever going to make me happy. I have to be my own person.
When first I heard about you through the grape vine, I was determined to make you mine. You’re well known for being a player and turing everyone you touch in an “Apple fanboy.” Ohhh you’ve definitely got the magic touch. To be quite honest, you have the most badass reputation out there. In fact, I had to pay you $800 just to meet me, remember that? At that point, I think your traveling expenses should be free. And my parents had to chip in more. They said it was a “Christmas present.”
I crave and crave for the circumstances of my life and the people of my life to be “perfect.” I want gorgeous things and fabulous people. There’s nothing wrong with that right? But even when I do have gorgeous things and fabulous people… there’s this part of me that still feels empty inside. Really empty. Like a big black hole that just sucks everything into it. You’re amazing, I really want you to know that. Never doubt it.
It’s not you, it’s me. No, no! I’m not using that as a breakup line. I just think we need some space.
….Not cyberspace you naughty boy. Just some time apart from each other. Sometimes I need to go to a field of grass by myself and stare at the big blue sky for a while. Clarify my own thoughts without your input.
We’ll still be together. We’ll still spend lots of time together and fool around like nobody’s business. I’ve just realized that I need to take care of ME. I need to chase after my own dreams. I can’t be like those other girls. I can’t depend on you for everything and that includes satisfying my emotional needs.
- Lots of Love, Hugs, And Kisses