Has been fun so far.
Recently, I deleted my tumblr. It’s this semi-exclusive social network people extensively use at my school. Lots of angst, and lots of funny GIFs. But, I decided I didn’t exactly like reading everyone’s secrets online. It wasn’t worth the stress the network imparted. I didn’t like posting either… I’d rather tell friends my worldview than have them read about it.
Friends + Art
A few of my friends came over during the beginning of the summer. We threw a makeshift wedding at my neighbor’s dock and made a veil out of brown packaging. I caught the bouquet y’all! So I’ll be the next to get married out of the group. Considering our age and who was there, it could be in a long, considerable length of years.
I also went back to my school to paint an art mural. The last art mural was painted back in the 1980s so I’m really glad I got the chance the paint the next one. It turned out beautifully. The wall and I spent many, many dedicated hours side by side this school year. It’s miraculous we finished the whole thing. I’ll update with a picture when I get a hold of one.
Fourth of July consisted of a neighborhood barbecure, and a firework spark attacking my brother’s arm (it actually wasn’t his fault). We’ve been using out trusty aloe vera plant to help heal his burn and it’s been working quite well.
Asian people have also come over. Kids somehow related to a branch of my family, whether it be children of a long lost co-worker or my uncle’s friends. After living with 600 teenagers 24/7 (with only once a month breaks at most), I’ve become much more comfortable being around people in general. Whooo, social skills. Raise the roof.
Next week I’m going on College Tours. DUN DUN DUNNN. I’m mostly looking at a few Ivys and small liberal arts colleges up north. My thoughts on college? If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you can probably tell that I’m not a huge proponent of standard public education to say the least. Yes, I’ll be applying to a few colleges. Will I actually attend any of said colleges? Errr, I’m not sure. I plan on taking a gap year, much to my parent’s dismay. People tell me to “do something productive do something constructive” during the gap year. While I might do something “constructive,” I don’t think it is necessary. I’ve been going to school for 13 freakin years. If I want to take a year off to goof around, think about life, and have some serious fun while I’m young, I don’t think that should be controversial or unacceptable. *le sigh*. Anyways, I’m still working out some feelings, releasing on different branches of the topic. I don’t have any concrete plans so to what I’ll do, but I’m going to take things as they come. Meaning, doing what feels best for me as I arrive, moment by moment.
For radicalturtle, sometimes I’ll sit down to write only to stop halfway… because something feels stilted, blocked, or off. Despite the low number of posts in recent months on radicalturtle, I feel as if I’ve grown monumentally in the past year. A few weeks ago, I read “Busting Loose From the Business Game,” and it was a huge game changer for me. It’s not only about Busting Loose from the business game, but the emotions game, the health game, etc. I’m definitely planning on applying “the process” to my schoolwork. It not only gets two thumbs up from me, but also two buns up (as in hair).
School was… that’s another post. Nothing is inherently good or bad, but Smath definitely gets caught in this eclectic ball of love and hatred, raging emotions and sleep deprivation for me. Next school year, I’m planning on taking a different approach to my studies and general life there. Too much stress and intensity associated with the past school year. Intensity is welcome… just not again in the way it panned out.
I’ve been blogging for what? About 2 years. Since the end of freshman year.
I’ve just changed so much as a person, from inside out. I feel more loving, peaceful, happy. I’ve grown a couple of inches, and my cheeks, though still round, are starting to puncture and mature. I’m strangely becoming less and less attached to results and whatever happens in my outer-world. I’m still in a place of growth and expansion and I can feel myself letting go more and more everyday. Sinking more deeply into Permeating Peace and True Joy.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot to mention…. I’m going to Not Back to School Camp! It’s run and hosted my Grace Lledyln, author of “The Teenage Liberation Handbook!” I’m excited for the new type of people I’ll be meeting, and seeing what I can learn from them. Not to mention having a kick ass time! It’s basically a summer camp based on teenage anarchy. Instead of going to China, I’ve decided to go to Oregon.
I do learn much from my peers at Smath… they’re brilliant, talented and amazing. We can have the best conversations. But truthfully, if you’re at Smath you engage in BS. Whether it’s writing papers with flowery language and opinions you don’t actually believe, or smiling to the system and then turning around to break their rules (There are so many rules it’s hard not to break them… unless you want to live a soulless life in your room).
I’m looking forward to spending a week with radically honest people who live their ideology even if it’s not popular among most circles. Smath tries to portray itself as a perfect haven for the most intelligent students in the state. It gets so much publicity, hype and people fawning over the school. But they do not know how downright miserable many of it’s top students feel, the fact that people sneak onto roofs and into opposite sex dorms, or the overbearing authority of the school administration.
People who critically think can see how flawed the traditional systems are. Many go along with it, convincing themselves higher education is the only route. Unschoolers see beyond it, and decide to go a different path.
Feel negative about something in your life?
Tap-a-long to this EFT video by David Childerley, an EFT video coach. I could just feel an amazing energy radiating from him through my computer screen. Seriously, watch the video and you’ll feel what I’m talking about.
Thinking back to bullying, my number was a five. After one session it was reduced to a two, then a one, and then a zero, yay! I just kept thinking about all of the experiences I went through and all of the people who said things. Seeing their faces and imagining myself there again.
Just relax and listen.
I did an experiment way back when with David’s videos. I actually didn’t fulfill the terms of the experiment. I tapped a whole lot but not everyday, just thought I’d get that out.
So I’m playing hooky from school once again and made an appointment to go to the doctor today when my teacher threatened to call my dad herself. Having…. let’s call her Samantha. Having Samantha has helped my reevaluate my life and the kind of feelings and thoughts I’ve been thinking lately. Like writing a civics paper right before/during class in ten minutes without having my teacher notice. I could literally feel the adrenaline pumping through my body going into survival mode. Not the healthiest thing. So, looking at Samantha as a blessing rather than a curse is what I’m going to do. It’s a matter of perspective.
Today, I’d like to talk about what blogging has done for me once again. More than just a place to document my growth as a person, radicalturtle has also been a catalyst for more growth. Having people read what I write and care about me helps a lot. Like it would matter if I hit a tree while skiing or fell off the side of the earth. 15 was a time of huge emotional growth and maturity as a person. I cured my aversions to my race but what I didn’t completely get rid of was my emotional wounds from being bullied. So I had a good old crying fest and let it go.
me – I was bullied but that was a while ago
BD – when?
me – 9th grade
BD – what grade are you in now?
me – 10th
BD – ….. uh Leslie, that wasn’t too long ago. You should of told me when you were being bullied. I would’ve gone down there and beat them up.
Talking to my cousin, BD, always cheers me up. He doesn’t seem to take anything seriously and is one of the most mellow, honest, and funniest guys I’ve ever met.
The next step? Revealing my blog to friends/family. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to let them read the archives of my most personal and private thoughts? I dunno man, I dunno. One friend discovered my site by looking at the browser’s history after I showed her the piece I wrote about MacDaddy. I quickly shut down Internet Explorer and I’m pretty sure she hasn’t typed in my site’s address into any browser unless she wants to collide with my wrath.
I used to bury everything into myself and close off any possible vulnerability.
Blogging at 14 helped me change that all. Slowly, I wrote down my thoughts online anonymously for anonymous people to read. I was scared. Scared all of my thoughts would reveal my unworthiness. But then no one said anything. I gradually let the contents of my heart open up and remain online. If I recall to my first ever blog entry, all I did was explain that the following lines were copied out of an email to a friend because I was introverted and unsure of what to say. Even that freaked me out.
A deep rooted fear has been “I’ll say something ‘wrong’ and everyone will desert me.” But… no, people keep coming back and reading. People that I look up to online read my blog (!) whut whut? It’s too awesome. If I compare blogging at 14 to blogging now it’s like comparing a kitten to a lion. I sound like such a child of the internet. Oh, internet, how I love you so.
I just don’t even know how to accurately describe how it was vs. how it is. It’s amazing. Thank you everyone.
For fun, let’s revisit the first entry on radicalturtle ever which was heavily edited several months after blogging. My first ever retweet was by Joshua Becker on 7 Un-minimalist Lessons Learned from Life. I jumped up and down in happiness and euphoria. Also, thank you Kevin Olega and daphnepurpus for the encouragement to blog.
I had an amazing realization. The world is…. not upright.
I’ve always wondered “why don’t people in Antarctica look like this?”:
In fact, shouldn’t people on the side of the world look like this?:
When I asked others why people didn’t fall off the bottom of earth they’d say — Because of gravity. Duhhh, I know that.
But why aren’t they… upside down?
In fact, it seems that only people on the top of the world should be standing normally.
Then somehow I realized… it’s because there’s no up or down!!! In the same way that left and right are relative so are our ideas of what’s the top and bottom of the world. It just…. is.
There is no north or south. I already knew how east and west are just made up. Europe and Asia are the “east” while I live in the “western world” are only arbitrary terms.
In space there is no north or south because it’s a large expanse where everything just sits where it is without any named places.
Our maps could have Australia on top if we wanted (though of course more scientifical thought goes into creating our maps).
Can this be applied to life?
Believe it or not, I created those pictures with my awesome photoshop gimp skills. My math skills on the other hand… they could use some brushing up. Especially for the looming exam and SAT. I’m looking to improve my math intuition with the better explained ebook. I already have most of my funds but I need a little more to become a math whiz. If you’d like to help me out, I’d be ever so grateful.
The reason you’re “here”
is not to be good, to be better, to be perfect,
to get “stuff” done, to saave the world, to save somebody, or to be
anything… other than yourself.
That’s all you have to work on. That’s all you
can do. But by doing it… all those other things
will happen anyway.
Dear 13 inch MacBook Pro,
The first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew you were the one. That aluminum unibody enclosure, your sleek and slim intersurface, and ooh! the apple logo permanently etched into your back. A thing of beauty. We were meant to be. It was fate the law of attraction that brought us together. You surprised me. That introduction? The flight through the space time continuum where you said hi to me in like every language. Totally unexpected.
Our first moments…. they were awkward. I’m not going to lie. You’re so much smaller (I mean REALLY. My friend’s is 21 freaking inches! So much smaller)… but I’ve become accustomed to it. I think it’s cute. The command for shortcuts… it’s placed so differently. For a couple of moments there, I’l have to admit, I missed Windows. Vista. Oh please! Don’t crash on me. Your so fast though, lightening fast. I suppose that makes up for the size issue. I love the way your keys light up when I turn you on. During the honeymoon period of our relationship, I always washed my hands before using you. Embarrassing, I know.
Even now, I’m still getting to know you. I don’t know everything about you. You don’t know everything about ME. Sometimes I’ll try to close an application but it still stays up. I know it’s me… I just don’t know which keys to press. But why don’t you have an X button at the top right hand corner of your applications?!
You and Windows are different. Different both inside and out. It’s just that windows was my first, you know. We were young. I was naive. We met during the… 6th grade I think? He was… how should I say it? Heavier. Chunkier. Clunkier. But I still used him will all of my heart. We went through so much together. He taught me so many things. And I programmed him into my comfortable ways. There’s no doubt you’re slimmer, shiner, and richer, though ok? Want a cookie? The virtual kind? Oh mac, I can tell this is only the start of a new chapter in both of our lives.
Do you know what else I’ve realized while I’ve spent time with you? You’re not going to make me happy. I repeat, you’re not going to make me happy.
Please, please! Don’t be offended. No boyfriend/computer/[insert sexual innuendo] is ever going to make me happy. I have to be my own person.
When first I heard about you through the grape vine, I was determined to make you mine. You’re well known for being a player and turing everyone you touch in an “Apple fanboy.” Ohhh you’ve definitely got the magic touch. To be quite honest, you have the most badass reputation out there. In fact, I had to pay you $800 just to meet me, remember that? At that point, I think your traveling expenses should be free. And my parents had to chip in more. They said it was a “Christmas present.”
I crave and crave for the circumstances of my life and the people of my life to be “perfect.” I want gorgeous things and fabulous people. There’s nothing wrong with that right? But even when I do have gorgeous things and fabulous people… there’s this part of me that still feels empty inside. Really empty. Like a big black hole that just sucks everything into it. You’re amazing, I really want you to know that. Never doubt it.
It’s not you, it’s me. No, no! I’m not using that as a breakup line. I just think we need some space.
….Not cyberspace you naughty boy. Just some time apart from each other. Sometimes I need to go to a field of grass by myself and stare at the big blue sky for a while. Clarify my own thoughts without your input.
We’ll still be together. We’ll still spend lots of time together and fool around like nobody’s business. I’ve just realized that I need to take care of ME. I need to chase after my own dreams. I can’t be like those other girls. I can’t depend on you for everything and that includes satisfying my emotional needs.
- Lots of Love, Hugs, And Kisses
All of my life I’ve been largely independent and unconventional. Now I find that at my teenage years, my desire for freedom is the greatest it’s ever been. All of these traits have started to conflict with what society and others want for me. It can be tough but I always try to redirect my sight, look forward, and keeping doing what I’m doing. People loathe when others are fake or their speech and actions are smothered in the longing for acceptance. People do that because that’s what they’ve been taught to do their whole lives. Everything from clothes, food, grades, jobs, to our small day to day choices.
We aren’t used to being completely honest. At least in the way kids are. We’ve been taught to deceive and wear masks to cover all of the imperfections. Many people walk around like buildings of stone bricks where they only exhibit the acceptable emotions to the acceptable circumstances. It bothers me. We live in a largely disconnected society. Everyone is walking around attached to their cell phones and we flaunt our abundance of wealth in the form of possessions. How good do we really have it though? It all seems like a false facade of grandeur to me. Most people can’t even afford all of the things that they buy.
Despite external circumstances, I’ve been working slowly with myself internally. That means healing unfinished feelings, small complexes, and dark emotions. I can use a combination of techniques or simply sit with the feeling. Somehow, someway, I know how to heal it.
When I think back on it, I really have come a long way. I just don’t realize it most of the time. We have a tendency to think more of our shortcomings than the amazing accomplishments we’ve already achieved. It’s time to give more credit where it’s due. I’ve been able to move mountains for myself and others. Slowly, all of these thought patterns are changing for the better. I used to think lowly of myself and my circumstances. Right now I’m unlocking that resistance and letting all of the good things spill out. In transformation of yourself, you are more able to effectively reach others. When your friends, family, and acquaintances can see the liberation in you from your thoughts and actions, you show the path for everyone else and Change the World.
Day by day You have that Power.
It’s raining up a flood here. Quite literally. The rain has pounded upon our soiled earth for a while. It’s gotten so bad good that school was delayed earlier this week, we were released early today, and school is canceled tomorrow. Yipee! The other day I decided to play in the rain instead of cower from it. When you think about it, isn’t rain really amazing? It’s dewdrops falling right out of the sky!
I changed into some I-don’t-care-clothes and headed outside barefoot, traveling the vacant house next door (I think my neighbors got evicted and moved to Vegas). The house goes down a bit steeper resulting in a shallow, kiddie pooled driveway also lending itself into the grass.
Teehee! I ran through the flooded plains in the rain and laid down in the pool. I also developed a splashing technique to create the largest waves possible around me. It felt so fun and freeing! It’s only a pity that my younger brother couldn’t join me, calling me “crazy” (Dad also wouldn’t let him, not wanting him to get sick). A couple of cars slowed down and watched me while they passed by and the mail lady waved to me twice.
My brother caught a goldfish in our fish pond and I placed him in the neighbor’s driveway….. I followed the fishie around, keeping track of his movements. He settled down in the flooded grass and seemed to prefer this area. I then lifted him out and placed him in my lap where he hid under my loosely folded legs. Stroked him a bit. Such a cool and surreal experience. How many people can say they actually played with their goldfish, in the flesh scales?!
I’ve noticed the tendency in people to complain about the climate, whether hot or cold…. Instead of complaining about it, why don’t we just embrace it! I remember having one of these wet spells at school last year which resulted in one of the most magnificent sights my eyes have yet to behold. The building’s roof, which also doubles as mini-shelter for the sidewalk, filled with the pouring rain and created strong, glassy waterfalls all along the school’s edges. I looked at the continuous streams of water along all of the perimeters of the courtyard and it was just so… amazing. My friend, who had pulled me out of class to see, and I reveled in the beautiful and uniquely jaw-dropping scene.
I felt fresh and chilly after my shower. Felt nicceee.
First off, I’d like to say thank you to all of wonderful people who read my real life story, checked out my blog, commented, or subscribed. It’s surprising yet heart warming to know that people like my content and what I write about.
One year ago after summer camp, I started my first personal blog on a freely-hosted platform. I felt so self-conscious about everything I created because then it was released into the public for people to judge. Whenever I went to check my stats and if one person visited, my insides caught on fire and set to major panic freak out mode. But then over time, I saw that people didn’t judge my thoughts and feelings as harshly as I expected them to, so I slowly became more and more comfortable openly sharing my thoughts. I even made my first internet friend who seemed to show an interest in me and even subscribed and frequently commented on my posts. This started bleeding into my personal life where I felt I could be more honest than ever with self-imposed constrictions lifting off of me.
I never would’ve imagined myself creating my very own website and openly sharing so many personal thoughts and experiences.
Sometimes it’s hard to remember how much growth and progress you’ve gone through and focus on everything you haven’t accomplished instead of seeing the amazingness you’ve already created. People telling me I’m amazing…. I’m not used to it. Because a part of me doesn’t believe it and believe in my worthiness. I realized I still have some severely ingrained negative beliefs about myself and the world. But day by day I’m working to change that and change that aspect of myself so I don’t cause myself or others anymore self-induced suffering. I think everyone is doing the best they can with what they’ve got. I really want to give a really big thanks to everyone who has been so amazingly positive and supportive and for taking out the time to leave a thoughtful comment.
We can find ourselves coasting along life, doubting ourselves here and there, being mediocre. What I realized the other day is Fuck it. Just do whatever you want to do* and allow yourself to be you. What is the point of insecurity or fear anyway? Nothing really. Be who you are and go after what you want. If you feel insecure, just let yourself ease into the feeling and figure out why. It usually stems from wanting acceptance or control. Then, simply let it go. When you realize that you are an awesomely amazing person great things start to happen.
Minimalism gets a hell lot easier
You don’t cling to your stuff for validation of your sense of worth. You look at something and go “No, I really don’t need that. Chuck it.” I’ve listed 18 items on ebay and counting. My parents absolutely love getting money for all of this useless stuff they’ve collected over the years.
Go After Your dreams, No Regrets
Just do it. It’s not as hard as you make it out to be. I’ve been nervous about writing on this website and then I looked into it more deeply realizing that I was scared of failure, scared I wasn’t good enough. “What if I can’t be successful as those uber successful guys who win at life on the interwebz? What if there is seriously just something about me that simply can’t do it, not competent enough?” Some articles are going to suck, I’m new, it’s inevitable but it’s important to treat them as learning experiences. If I fail, I fail. Then, just keep going on. Truth is, I don’t like my website name (radicalturtle currently) and I want to change it, that’s why I’ve been avoiding writing on here. But if I’m going to let something as silly as a website name get in the way of my growth and writing, just screw that.
No limits. Just Like Bruce Lee.
Click on the picture if it’s hard to read. Hardcore man.
I now realize that Bruce Lee was a total badass and one of the most intense people who ever lived. I went barefoot running yesterday. When you first start out, it hurts. Your feet have to develop that tough outer coating that came so naturally to our primal ancestors unlike the common softies lathered in lotion and pampered in shoes all day. Here is a picture of my foot.
It doesn’t look too bad but the ball is reaally blistering right now, a huge section of skin will detach soon. There is a slight bruise in the middle from stepping on a rock. Running on hot surfaces gives you bad blisters.
Societal rules deem barefoot running as a weird thing so you’ll get looks from strangers. But it’s okay, just ignore them.
I got up this morning, dead tired from getting to sleep at 5 am and just wanted to stay home from the bi-weekly tennis lesson. Then I thought about the Bruce Lee quote. Leslie, just get your ass out of bed and go. I stepped onto the ground and realized damn, my feet are blistered! But oh well, I went out and played anyway. It was hella fun. Joking ensured between me and two other highschool guys also in the group tennis lesson. It didn’t even hurt that much with the band aids, fancy padded tennis socks, and tennis shoes. If I hadn’t gone out and experienced life, I would have just been sitting in my room, refreshing and checking websites.
You are rich.
If you’re reading this on a computer right now, you’re rich. No if, ands, buts about it. Think about it for a sec. Most of us have lived with so much all of our lives; we take for granted how much we really have. This may sound like a lie, but you have everything inside yourself right now to make a fortune. When you feel like you have enough and truly appreciate it, it becomes easier to manifest even more money into your life.
Life is Right out there for the Taking
Dude, look at all of the boundless, abundant opportunities out there. See them? You don’t even have to squint. Living with passion becomes a lot easier. In fact, I’d say it’s a lot easier to be alive and vibrant, your natural state, than suppressed and dull.
Don’t wait. Do it now. Don’t wait for “the right time.” Don’t wait for someone to solve your problems, someone to accept who you are. You are your own hero, savior, special loving person, creator of amazing things.
*Unless that includes robbing banks and giving people paper cuts. You know what I mean.