Becoming Unshakable

No matter what happens externally, nothing can truly shake me. I remember this. It doesn’t matter whats happening in the outer world. I’m am always safe and secure. Whenever that re-realization hits me and I really mean hits me, I am okay. I stop looking for love, control, safety and security outside of myself because I know it is fruitless. I know that it doesn’t matter. We usually think if only Sally stopped eating her corn on the cob vertically, I WOULDN’T BE BOTHERED ANYMORE. Life becomes an attempt to manipulate the people and circumstances around us. Realize that you’re okay. Whatever happens, you are okay. And you are loved.


Haunted Farm

I can’t even begin to describe how this school has changed me. It’s a bit of a push/pull relationship. Sometimes i love it, other times not so much. There have been moments where I’ve seriously considered leaving but I don’t think I’d actually go through with it. Tonight, I went to a haunted farm complete with a corn maze, tractor, and haunted house. It was nice. It was nice getting off campus, seeing real, live people. That sounds weird but all of my friends could oddly agree to the sentiment. We live in zombie-town, land of the sleep deprived. When students leave campus, it’s referred to as “popping the bubble” because, we effectively live in bubble.

Not that I paid much attention to the news before, but I hear even less about the world now. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that the world doesn’t consist of 4 large buildings, teenagers, and a few supervising adults because that’s all I see on a daily basis. There are people who don’t understand the school/campus/teacher oriented references or use the fad words. So, yes it was nice hitting up the haunted farm full of their local middle school kids. Breaking routine. We all made  an agreement not to talk about schoolwork while we were there.

Pokemon

A couple of days ago I dressed up as Pikachu, and ran around the school during happy half while my friend was dressed as Ash, throwing pokeballs at me. There was also the theme song playing in the background. I kept my hood on the whole time so I couldn’t see, but apparently there was a crowd of people chasing me at some point. People kept grabbing me and I’d run into some random dude’s arms because they were trying to catch me.

Ahhh, now it’s the weekend. I’ll study, relax, and grab some chai tea off campus with my friends later. How are you guys doing? I hope you’re having a fabulous weekend!


School: Life at Math and Science

General Life Update

I’ve been having a lot of fun at my new school. It really is a very different experience living with your best friends. I go outside of my hallway and there are all of my classmates, just chillin’. At the same time, I’m working on completely eliminating, or at least lowering, my stress levels. The courses are rigorous and really require you to think and study. At my old school I barely ever studied and got straight A’s. Different story at SSM.

My Favorite Class

Japanese. Because I can just make up creative/weird stories in my head all day and it counts as work or something.

Example: The adjective dangerous in Japanese is ‘abunai.’

I picture Aladdin and Abu during the night in the sandy and egyptian-esque background. Abu running to go into a pyramid while Aladdin shouts “Abu! Abu! It’s dangerous at night!”

Plus, I’m interested in moving to Japan one day so that helps. At first I was failing the class, hardcore. I probably had a like a 7%. Suwa sensei, my teacher, teaches the class in entirely japanese. Eh, me no comphrende. So, erm, that means I didn’t understand directions and I didn’t know when there were tests. Err, what was homework again? After a couple of weeks I got over the learning curve, caught up with the class, and learned the common phrases and vocabulary my teacher uses. Now, I’m doing really well in the course. The grade is an ‘A’ though I feel like Japanese is a living, breathing thing, not something to grade. Who cares if you ace a language course if you can’t actually apply it? Someone may be able to conjugate verbs on paper but forget what they’ve learned and sound like an unnatural robot in front of a native speaker. But I think most of my classmates don’t plan on applying it anyway…

Dorms

Unlike some halls, mine is super close. I love everybody on greynolds. I visited my old highschool yesterday and it didn’t evoke a good emotional response. I kinda just started thinking about all of the people and somewhat traumatizing memories there. I also realized that I didn’t joke around nearly as much as I do at my new school. There are many less social inhibitions at my new school so I’m perpetually acting like a spazz. And the great thing is, people join me there! And accept me. I just got weird looks at my old highschool. It’s wonderful being a part of a close knit community.

Food

I’m much less picky about what I eat, now that I live in a dormitory. But, I do generally eat as healthily as I can. I snack and eat conventional junky foods when I bum off of my friends. We all share food on my hall. I’m the type of student who eats organic ramen with kimchi and seaweed… I also eat a lot of fruit if I’ve stocked up. For lunch and dinner I’ll usually go to the PFM (cafeteria). Their food is usually a hit or a miss, it’s not too bad, especially for free food.

Skin

About a month in I realized that the lack of sleep and stress was really taking a toll on my skin. At home I could get away with just splashing my face with lukewarm water in the morning. I ordered an organic facial scrub and moisturizer. I also make sure to cleanse my face with a towel and hot water in the morning to get off any oil and dirt that accumulated during the night. Just adding these couple of things made a huge difference.

Time

It’s very valuable. My days can sometimes be filled to the brim with activities and homework. In my free time I often take naps, or release. My school is also known as zombieland because of how little people sleep there. I’ve heard that some people regularly pull all nighters… icky. I haven’t done that yet… I’ve already had trouble keeping up and I have easy schedule if you were compare mine to a genius senior’s. They always go easy on juniors during the first trimester… Oh, and yes, my school goes by trimesters, not semesters. Just another way for us to complete more intense work in a shorter time period.

But I also feel like the school expects us to stay up really late and doesn’t make it any easier for us to go to sleep earlier. You can’t sleep any earlier than 10:30 pm unless you go to the lobby and sign early check. Check is when students sign a sheet on hall to basically tell the school hey I’m here.

Only 1/3 of applicants get in… I know some former classmates of mine who were really crushed when they weren’t accepted. I’ve read accounts of hopefuls who list all of their accomplishments and ask people what their chances are of getting in. The school is not all butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns as it may seem. People drop out at the beginning and throughout the year because they don’t feel it’s for them. Sometimes students are downright miserable from the workload. The school also does expel a good number of students… in my opinion, sometimes unfairly.

All in all, I’m glad I’ve had this opportunity and I love my friends. The adults aren’t watching us like hawks and I have a lot of fun adventures.

Oh yeah, and radical turtle will look the same for a while actually..


Pride Parade

I went to the gay pride parade. I thought it’d be fun, especially with my friends. Though I think real change (with rights, beliefs, and all that jazz) takes place less in the physical and internally instead. Near the end of the parade, it started raining men. Somehow I ended up walking to my Jewish friend’s rabbi’s house as a tagalong. After a 40 minute or so walk barefoot in the pouring rain, we were drenched and dirty from playing in street puddles. We then went to a local pizza place with bad crust and very oily cheese where we paid in all ones and exact change. I think we looked like pitifully wet, gay (we were wearing tie dye for the pride parade), homeless teenagers. A friend familiar to the city landscape took us through the off-limits sketchy shortcut where a suspicious man spoke loudly to us from behind. Keep walking, don’t make eye contact (felt safer with 2 black belt friends). I finally reached my dormitory where I took a long, hot shower… so good. I later soaked my very pretty, but dirty, dress in color safe bleach alternative Tide overnight and the colors noticeably faded.

It’s always nice to tell the story behind the dress.


Regenerate

I’m moving. On the web-asphere, that is. When you go onto radicalturtle.com in a couple of days it’ll look a bit different.

Changes

I no longer have the time nor the energy to churn out blog posts… Okay, the time-thing is an excuse, it always is. What I mean is, radicalturtle is no longer one of my top priorities… I’m trying to balance the three S’s of SSM (school of science and math).

  • Sleeping
  • Socializing
  • Studying
If there was a 4th S, it would be showering….

So, my posts will be much more casual, maybe just a musing from the day, or whatever I feel like. I might start writing about different aspects about the school, my day, my grades, whatevs you know.

School

I got my grades back yesterday… Somehow, I don’t care about numbers as much as I used to. It’s probably because barely anyone in this school actually gets straight A’s even when we did in our home highschool. This school doesn’t rank students, or have a valedictorian either.

Somewhere along the line I forgot that education is actually supposed to educate and teach us.  We can make connections between subjects to better understand the world as a whole. If you’re just cramming, not enjoying yourself, and doing everything for the sake of grades, when you look back, what was the point?

 


Boarding School: Down and Dirty Recap

Here’s a brief recap of my time spent at my new school thus far. Enjoy ~

Week 1:

It’s time to PARRRTAYYY!

Then, classes start.

What the hell are people saying? Where is everything?

Our school has a special language of TLAs – three letter acronyms. It’s not a cafeteria, no, it’s the PFM (professional food management). Let’s go down to the PEC (physical education center).

Argh argh argh I’m so lost. Argh argh argh, I slept through a class. Hur hur hur (cry-i noises) so many classes at so many different times everyday. HOW DO I DISPENSE SOAP?

Dawwww, thank you senior brother for the gift.

Fun Fact: My school was an abandoned hospital. What does that mean? The school is built a little oddly and we have lots of spooky ghost stories. Plus, I live in the morgue. The most infamous of the ghost stories? A nurse went through the underground Hill tunnel and was never seen again. Apparently, you can still hear her heels clicking at night. It was featured on some ghost stories type tv show.

Week 2:

EARTHQUAKE

Then FIRE – (lol, my roommate set a toaster oven on fire in the mini kitchen of a hall above us. we were all chillin, just making omelets…)

HURRICANNNE

All the teachers are actually giving us work now… Bonding with my hallmates. Man, I love my hallmates.

Fun Fact: Every Sunday – Thursday night we have “Happy Half.” A good chunk of students congregate in the middle of the school, near the swings (which 2 of my hallmates got it to stop squeaking! so appreciative) to talk and have fun from 10 pm- 10:25 pm. At 10:30 we have ‘check’ where we have to be on hall and sign in.

Week 3:

TORNADO

MORE SCHOOL WORK

I turn my bed, a bottom bunk, into a cozy enclave since my roommate stays up studying. Man, I so… tired… Look! I have free time. Must take…. a nap…. zzz….

I have no food left! I must rely on the PFM for my nutritional needs.

Extended weekend – time to visit home! Eh, I sleep and do practically nothing with my time. I buy lots of food too.

Fun Fact: My school mascot is a unicorn.

Week 4:

Picture day! More hall activities. More fun with all of my friends. More work. More Chemistry, Intermediate Japanese, American Studies, and Precalculus. College Eve, wherein I sign up for the airforce with a ‘pen name’ for a snowcone.  My senior convinces me to leave campus without signing out.

Fun Fact: My school is composed of only juniors and seniors. That means that each class only knows each other for one year. This makes it harder to keep up certain SSM culture/clubs and make long term changes.

Me, a junior, would call someone who has just graduated the past school year a “grand senior.” The “grand senior” was my senior’s senior (while they were a junior). Get it? Some who graduated 2 years ago would be a “grand grand senior.” This is how we refer to past generations.

Junior (me) –> Senior –> Grand Senior –> Grand Grand Senior –> etc…

Week 5 (current):

I go on a carb free diet with 3 of my hallmates. I feel much cleaner and lighter. Good BMs. There’s a cookout tonight! for my building. Not to mention, it’s friday friday gotta get down on friday….

Fun Fact: People would think my school is entirely comprised of nerds, which it is to an extent, but our school also excels in athletics. The boys soccer team is went to Nationals last year. The girls tennis team wins state championship.

Also, the people here are kind with interesting back stories.  Scattered among us are some superstar geniuses.

The school is somewhat like a college yet retains some odd highschool-y points since we’re still minors. I live on a closed campus so to get into any building in the school I have to have a fob. It’s a plastic thingy majiger that you have to swipe to open doors. We call it a fob, but no, it doesn’t mean FOB. I received a plain, navy blue fob without a design from a previous student so I painted it with nail polish. If it already has a design, you just paint over it. I wear my fob as a necklace.

Generally, school is very fun and busy. When I smile at people and say hi in the hallway, a warm euphoria spreads on my face and through my chest because I’m genuinely happy to see them =)


9/11

I was in the 1st grade. I’m part of the last generation that can still somewhat remember 9/11. Every year, teachers ask us to write a paragraph about what we can remember about the day. Every year… Personally I can’t remember it. But, I know I’m supposed to feel really really bad about it and honor the people who died in the fire every year. That’s it, I’m supposed to feel this way or that way. If I don’t feel bad then I’m looked down upon by others for being an unfeeling, uncompassionate person.

That’s the key, I think. No, not to feel bad. To delve deeper, question, and explore. To be able to feel what we honestly feel without lying to ourselves and others. It’s okay if something ‘bad’ (what is good? what is bad?) doesn’t solicit an emotional reaction. We feel guilty because we want to show others “look at how bad I feel, I’m a good person.” The guilt is there because it wants to protect you. It pretends to. But, like smoke house mirrors, it’s only an illusion. Does guilt help you or anyone else? Let go of guilt and allow yourself to be free.


Facebook Almost Didn't Happen?: A Mark Zuckerberg Story

“He told me he was planning to move to California to begin a start up. Me, who saw the dot-com crash and burn, advised him not to. He wanted to make something called “Facebook.” What? How did he expect to compete with companies like Friendster, Myspace? How ridiculous. Did he want to give up his path and education in Harvard? Yes, this student was Mark Zuckerburg.”

Convocation

I’m attending a state boarding school and on the first day of classes we have something called “convocation.” An alumni and current Google employee came to give the annual convocation speech. From what I’ve heard, people say this is the best convocation they’ve had so far. It was an incredibly interesting speech filled with humor, insightful words, and relevance.

Deciding between Google or Harvard

Matt, the speaker, graduated from this school about 20 years ago. He went on the college and majored in programming. Google offered him a job in 2002 when they were just another risky search engine company, an area that did not fare well for others. He turned the job down and now reminisces that if he had taken the stocks they had offered him, he’d be flying to an island on a private jet to sip margaritas after the speech. He eventually became a Harvard professor and scored himself a permanent position, meaning they wouldn’t let him go or fire him unless he slept with the wrong student or something (his words). He had a pretty cushy position; teach a few classes in the morning, take home a stable paycheck. His mom was happy.

The position allows professors to go on sabbaticals every five years to explore other interests. He decided to work for Google for a year and then return afterwards. After working with Google, he decided “This is where I want to be. This is what I’m happy doing — coding. Working with people who are smarter than me.” So he decided to quit. Quit Harvard. “This was kinda big deal because they had just given me the position to work at Harvard for life. Why would you leave?”

“As a professor, I was normally the smartest in the room. I realized that to grow you have to surround yourself with people smarter than you. Despite me discouraging Mark from following his dreams, he still did it and look at what has happened today. It’s revolutionized networking and how I communicate with my friends. I’ve reconnected with my fellow alumni from this school.”

The Path to Dreams

Ok, so I realize that I don’t know how much his professor’s words actually discouraged, or possibly encouraged him. I just know that on the path to his dreams, he had someone who told him not to do it. Not to take the risk, to go on his safe and prestigious path. Other people probably told him to do the same thing. He, who now looks so successful and rich, had obstacles to get to where he is today.

What will you do?

 

*I have paraphrased what I remembered from the speech.


Very Official Poll

It’s pretty self explanatory – I’m interested in hearing what you guys would like to see more of. I can’t guarantee unicycling in a bear costume if that is your heart’s desire, but I will try.

Ladies and Gents, What would you like to see on Radicalturtle?


The Release Technique: Exploring what Emotions really mean

Releasing has only gotten easier and easier. It’s like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the easier it is to use. Throughout the day I notice little things. Maybe I’m disapproving of what someone is saying, maybe I want to change something that I can’t. I’ll ask myself any 4 questions that apply from the Sedona Method/Release Technique.

1. Could I let go of disapproving of myself?

2. Could I let go of wanting control?

3. Could I let go of wanting acceptance?

4. Could I let go of wanting security?

I get the feeling our external world is only a projection of our internal world. I’ve released on situations before only to have them completely disappear from my life.

When releasing it helps to let go of the notions of right/wrong and good/bad. Everything is just energy, just let it flow through your body. The questions are only there for probing, to bring to the surface whatever my emotions are. They’re there to remind me I have a choice, I can let go of it.

Confession: I’ve always wanted to be a cool kid — someone people respect and admire.

Take the situation and translate it through the sense of wanting control, acceptance, or security. It may be several. In this case, it was wanting acceptance. When there is a want, I can feel a pang in my body — a lacking feeling. Let go of the lack — just let go of it.

In a year’s time I’ve made a lot of progress — my confidence has boosted, money just flows to me out of nowhere, and I feel more peaceful within myself. Interacting with others is less strenuous. My ‘goal’ – to feel joy and happiness all of the time. To accept everyone as is because in the end, there is no real barrier between us. If I’m judging someone I’m really just judging a part of myself. Sometimes I still want to hate, to bear a grudge. In the end though, it’s drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Releasing and going through all of this alone is sometimes a lonely thing. The experiences are yours alone and not many others can relate. So, it’s very nice to find people online who do the same thing and have similar experiences. I can see “ah, so that’s happened to them too!” Their real life gains are also to be commended — what? progress? Awesome, I see what I could do.

We’re bombarded by the media of what the concepts of love and happiness are. The kind of love they promote is a selfish love, on that’s really rooted in wanting. Imagine how happy people would be if they could just love everyone. If we could just let go of being so perturbed by outside things. We’d all be happy, healthy, and wealthy.


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